Getting married soon

Social Off-topic & Debates
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Hello everyone! I hope you have a good morning today.

Today i must share that im getting married soon and it will be an arranged marriage. Im 28 years old man and girl my family chosen is 22.

Not fixed yet, but my family liked the girl and their family and also their family liked me, didn’t have much talk with the girl. would like to know what will be the next appropriate steps.

Decision is on me, i also think its fine. I mean i wish to take her on a date. But i don’t think that will be possible before marriage.

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Then get to know her before you commit to anything.

Why not ?
Are you ywo barred from meeting outside without your parents being present ?

Then talk to her directly and go ahead with it.

You two are possibly going to commit yourselves to eachother maybe for life.
Do NOT let your parents take YOUR decisions and DO NOT RUSH into anything till you both are comfortable.

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Seriously this.

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At least talk about the things that matter to you. Basics like kids, finances, whether she plans to work or wants to SAHM, living with in-laws, general expectations for future etc.. And maybe learn a little bit about her while telling her about yourself.

Generally speaking, you don’t want any major “surprises” after the wedding (eg: finding out she doesn’t want to do housework or live with in-laws).

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Always discuss finance , this is were most of the issues crop up.. Put some scenarios and discuss..
Right from marriage expense to future commitment..

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Also, make sure you and your parents are on the same page first :joy:

Discuss with your parents or female cousins/friends or recently married friends to check if it’s okay to discuss a certain topic. You don’t wanna ruin a match by saying something retarded :joy: Don’t voice your unfiltered intrusive thoughts

You can get pretty far in life, as long as you have an understanding partner and can reach a compromise. So, don’t get hung up on any insignificant flaws.

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1st of all ask her opinion of life, how she wants to live or how her views are about living or leading a happy life?
Whether she wants to work or help with the chores with your mother?
What are her expectations about after marriage?
Do you meet her expectations?
After getting to know about her you decide whether she is suitable with your expectations and then proceed.
Dont ever rush or let the elders do the talking or it will become like my life. Okay.

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So, if you rush and let elders do the talking, you can top the TE leaderboards and receive Member of the Month award. Think of the glory :crown:

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Not meeting before marriage and just meeting at the wedding venue to say - " Qabool hai " or " I Do " or " Janam Janam ka saathi" ( depending on the religion)

is an idea I would personally never like it.

Knowing the person you going to share your life time is most imp. thing before marriage.
I would even encourage live-in relation for sometime but I know that is asking for lot even today specially if family is very traditional.

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Man, girl that is an interesting choice of words.

22,28 is not an insignificant difference these days and the people of her age’s most important years were under the shadow of COVID.

That might be a problem or blessing depending on your individual personalities. Just keep in mind that your views on what you consider normal/abnormal may not be shared by her as well.

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Counseling so both understand the roles and what you are getting into

Generally this is offered by parallel orgs linked with your place of worship

Then do it. Take your time.

Technically you don’t really get to know a person until a couple of years. All the masks have come off and the imperfections start to show.

Six months is good enough though

Of course it is. That’s why it’s called dating.

After you narry there is no more dating because you are already married.

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lionfield-approved

You’re still a boy but the age gap will mandate that you’re always going to have to be the more mature one, the more understanding one, and the more passive one when it comes to disagreements.

You’ve simply lived more of a life than she has so you’ll need to be the forebearing one.

Also the westerners have this notion that a woman’s brain isnt fully formed until they’re 25 or something so you’ll probably deal with some kind of irrationality until then. Atleast more than what happens after 25.

Also, expect wisdom to hit you after 40, not before.

Conversely, DO let them decide. If marriages fall apart (if, not when), it devolves into a blame game and its way easier to cope/move on when you have someone else to blame.

Get married. And then:

Understand that your wife has a life outside of you.

She has parents, siblings/relatives, friends.

It’ll be a terrible idea to alienate any one of those social networks.

She’s a life partner, not a pet or possession.

As the power dynamic is skewed in your favour, it’ll be upon you to decide on how that should continue.

For my friends that live in the same city as their in-laws, they do this by enforcing weekly visits to the in-laws.

Some even drop off their wives every Friday after work and pickup on Saturday/Sunday/Monday — every single week.

This gives both of you space. This is not trivial, it grounds both of you and maintains a healthy social life instead of being couped up together — that has ALWAYS ended up in toxicity.

For those that live in different cities, they encourage her to have daily phone/video calls with her mother at the very least, and occasionally with her school/college friends. And not in your presence or under your supervision.

If you actively foster the mother/daughter relationship, your marriage becomes drama-proof. The mother-in-law ends up on your side in most disagreements. It’s because you’re giving her daughter something her husband never gave her.

Lastly:

You’re the boy-king of your new family unit in matters that that involve things outside your house but always remember your wife is the girl-queen of whatever happens inside your house.

The house is her domain, the world is your domain (regardless of who works/provides/earns)

I don’t like giving marital advice so this is where I stop.

Good luck!

edit: Oh, and romance is different when you’re married. It’s not coffee shops or movies. It’s dinners with just the two of you and together alone time.

edit2: Always protect your wife from anyone who is not your wife (your family, her family, the watchman’s family)

edit3: In every situation, behave like the kind of person you want your daughter to marry some day.

(I still dislike giving marital advice)

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you can ask and read 10 thousand advice/suggestions, nothing can prepare you for something like marriage. Things will happen that you wont like but you need to be patient and open to hearing your partner. Do not make the mistake for assuming things without confirming it.

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Hope you have a good married life OP.. I don’t know anything about this topic.. I wish you a peaceful and endearing marriage

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Beware that bringing up this topic abruptly has the risk of branding yourself money minded. Don’t let it be the first or only topic of discussion and decision.

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i dont think so , its how he puts it forward.. it should genuine query on how they will manage finance in future.. its not like he is going to say , “you have to spend everything etc etc..” its about how they jointly going to deal with issues related to finance.

Of course it should not be the very first topic he wants to discuss. Also how much ever we discuss early , wont matter when the real thing happens…

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Just ask her if she too wants to get married or if the family is forcing her.

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What steelseries said…plus let her know that she can discuss anything with you if she wants and you will respect it and keep it between you both only and like not judge her. But all this needs a little time to open up And for you to work on winning her trust.

I mean something like her previous affair if any etc. better to clear everything for better life ahead.

When my ex and I were in relation…she started opening up about herself…things she had gone through and her expectations and all started coming out and it felt a lot tbh.

I am glad I did not judge her but also glad I was not getting carried away by it.

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Also ask her whether she is okay with the age difference. Six years might not seem like a big age difference to you, but it might be to her. The span of time feel too lengthy when you think about them, but once you cross them, it seems like six years have gone by too quickly.

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Meet her a few times and get to know each other, even that may not be enough, but it’s the bare minimum before committing to a lifelong journey. If your parents are against it, then it’s a gamble you’re choosing to take. You can remind them that it’s 2025, not 1985.

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