A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
-------------------------
This ones for the ladies....
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
---------------------------------
New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
---------------------------------
A visitor at a museum asks an employee: "Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?"
"It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old."
"How can you know that with such precision?!"
"Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old - and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago..."
---------------------------------
WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
?HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW?
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
?FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!?
THE WIFE ASKS,
?WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.?
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
?FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.?
FINE, SHE SAYS,
?THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.?
?I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS?, HE SAYS. ?DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! ?
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
?HONEY?, HE ASKS, ?HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED??
SHE SAID,
?WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.?
HE SAID,
?SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM??
SHE REPLIED,
?HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!?
---------------------
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible ."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine ."
" What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
" Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now ."
" Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand ?"
" We were in another battle. I boarded a ship, and got into a sword fight
my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really ."
" What about that eye patch ?"
" Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up, and one of them #### in my eye ."
" You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird #### ."
" It was my first day with the hook .
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
-------------------------
This ones for the ladies....
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
---------------------------------
New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
---------------------------------
A visitor at a museum asks an employee: "Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?"
"It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old."
"How can you know that with such precision?!"
"Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old - and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago..."
---------------------------------
WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
?HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW?
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
?FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!?
THE WIFE ASKS,
?WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.?
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
?FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.?
FINE, SHE SAYS,
?THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.?
?I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS?, HE SAYS. ?DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! ?
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
?HONEY?, HE ASKS, ?HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED??
SHE SAID,
?WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.?
HE SAID,
?SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM??
SHE REPLIED,
?HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!?
---------------------
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible ."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine ."
" What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
" Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now ."
" Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand ?"
" We were in another battle. I boarded a ship, and got into a sword fight
my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really ."
" What about that eye patch ?"
" Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up, and one of them #### in my eye ."
" You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird #### ."
" It was my first day with the hook .