Jokes & Stories to make you smile.. :)

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sonuyadav

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King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life

Now....what is the moral to this story?






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
 
Good one

One from me, Chinese punishment:

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
 
A Woman Takes A Lover Home During The Day, While Her Husband Is At Work.




She Don’t Know That Her 9 Year Old Son Was Hiding In The Closet.




Her Husband Comes Home Unexpectedly, So She Puts The Lover In The Closet With The Little Boy.




The Little Boy Says: “Dark In Here”




The Man Says: “Yes It Is”




Boy: “I Have A Baseball”




Man: “That’s Nice”




Boy: “Want To Buy It?”




Man: “No, Thanks”




Boy: “My Dad’s Outside”




Man: “Ok, How Much?”




Boy: “$250”




In The Next Few Weeks, It Happens Again That The Boy And The Mom’s Lover Are In The Closet Together.




Boy: “Dark In Here”




Man: “Yes, It Is”




Boy: “I Have A Baseball Glove”




The Lover, Remembering The Last Time, Asks The Boy: “O.K. How Much?”




Boy: “$750”




Man: “Fine”




A Few Days Later, The Father Says To The Boy: “Grab Your Glove. Let’s Go Outside And Toss The Baseball Back And Forth”




The Boy Says: “I Can’t. I Sold Them”




The Father Asks: “How Much Did You Sell Them For?”




The Son Says: “$1,000”




The Father Says: “That’s Terrible To Overcharge Your Friends Like That. That Is Way More Than Those Two Things Cost. I’m Going To Take You To Church And Make You Confess.”




They Go To Church And The Father Makes The Little Boy Sit In The Confession Booth And He Closes The Door.




The Boy Says: “Dark In Here.”




The Priest Says: “Heyy, Please Don’t Start That Shit Again.“
 
@avi
you need to use a different spoiler tag.

SIX LESSONS OF LIFE

Lesson 1: Naked Wife..

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
her husband asks,…"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your share holders in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

"Lesson 2" A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me
first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in
the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She’s gone. "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the
manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first
say.

"Lesson 3"
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak" Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your
job, you might miss a great opportunity.

"Lesson 4" A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure,
why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested....A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very high up

"Lesson 5: Power of Charisma"

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven’t got the energy." "Well, why don’t you
nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull.
"They’re
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was
spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it wont keep you there.

"Lesson 6"
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend

3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your
mouth shut !
 
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:p

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- - - Updated - - -

Love this video!

 

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