Ladies and gentlemen..

A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."
 
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
 
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins."

The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets."

Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2."

Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
 
Drive-in ATM :)

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]MAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Wind window down

3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

4) Retrieve cash

5) Drive away

WOMAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Open door (too far away from machine)

3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

5) Insert Card

6) Remove card

7) Insert card the correct way up

8.) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

9) Enter PIN

10) Enter correct PIN

11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

12) Drive off

13) Reverse back to machine

14) Retrieve card

15) Drive three miles away

16) Release hand-brake[/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again." [/font]
 
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?†The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.â€
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?â€
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I liv!â€
 
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