some stuff i found i dunno where:
Polly Nomial
Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly Nomial was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directorix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted apparently alone in a non-Euclidean space.
She was being watched, however, by that smooth operator, Curly Pi, who was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.
She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was set for no good.
"Arcsinh!" she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have; I can see that your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on?"
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I am absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly Pi, "Let's go off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began soothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly! The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied his hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piece-wise continuous but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to L'Hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to seek analysis.
Micro and Mini
Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.
One evening Micro arrived home just as the Sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive - he had missed the 5100 bus that morning, when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware inspecting the daisy wheels in his garden. "She looks user-friendly," he thought. "I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
Mini was her name and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like cobol and a prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.
He shifted over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32-bit floating point processors and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optic fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro thought about a recursive approach but settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then dumped the results. "I've been put on a queue myself recently and a rendezvous is just what I need to activate my tasks. I'll park my machine cycle and meet you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring the way her dynamic resources were allocated and thinking, "Wow, what a cache! I wonder if she's available for prime time maintenance."
They sat down at the process table to a platter of fiche and chips and a basket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave continuation acknowledgements although, in background, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally decided on the old 'Would you like to see some of my benchmark programs' but Mini anticipated his flow.
Without a prompt, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she commanded. Micro was executing firmware by this stage but his hardware policing module had an accelerated processor and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer - a bug that Micro had been consulting his analyst about. "Core dump!" he complained.
Micro auto-recovered however, when Mini went down on DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to enter her kernel when she attempted an escape sequence.
"Abort!" she cried. "You're not shielded."
"Reset, baby," he said. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop disabled and I can't support child processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he begged. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone - and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."
Micro was in phase locked oscillations by this stage and could not be terminated. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by inducing a voltage spike in his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think about is hex!"
