some more...
Lawyer and the Pope
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
Lawyer, Engineer, and God
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The Lawyer is not In
A lawyer was busy perusing through piles of documents in preparation of an upcoming trial, so he asked his new receptionist to keep out all visitors. He told her, "whatever they say, just tell them, 'that's what they all say'". That afternoon, a woman visitor insisted on seeing the lawyer and receptionist refused to let her in. The woman said, "but I'm his wife!" "That's what they all say."
Lawyers and Tigers
Two tigers were walking, single-file, through the jungle. The second moved up behind the first and suddenly licked the first one's ass. The first one, startled, turned around and said, "Hey!" They went a little farther, and the second tiger licked the first one's ass once more. This time, the first one was pissed and he hauled off and batted the second, saying, "Now, knock it off!" Well, they hadn't gone too far, when the second tiger couldn't resist any longer. He went up and gave the first tiger's ass a giant slurp. The first tiger spun around and decked him. "What's wrong with you?!" The other tiger said, "Really sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
Bus full of Lawyers
A couple is out taking a drive in the country when they come upon traffic backed up and have to stop. After a short time a state policeman walks up to the window and they ask him what the problem is up ahead. He says that a tour bus full of lawyers has been involved in an accident and the bus has caught fire. The couple then ask if there is anything they can do. The policeman says yes, others have already been mobilizing and they've collected thirty gallons of gasoline.
Lawyers and Sharks
A man was on a cruise in the Bermuda Triangle. A storm appeared without warning and his ship went down. He was in a lifeboat and began rowing to save people in the water. Ahead he saw a man waiving - he recognized that it was his attorney. He stated: "We have to save him first, he saved my ass on my divorce". They began rowing towards the attorney as a pack of sharks began swimming there as well. They got there first and began circling the attorney and the circle got smaller and smaller. His friend stated: "Oh, no - they are going in for a feeding frenzy" as they closed in and threw the attorney up in the air. He landed - straddling two sharks on their backs and then they leisurely swam him to the lifeboat. The attorney stepped from their backs into the lifeboat. Everyone aboard the lifeboat couldn't believe what they just saw and asked: "What just happened?" The attorney replied: "Professional courtesy".
Generally I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Politicians and diapers should be changed often, for the same reason!
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
“I don’t understand,†Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?â€
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.â€
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Reasonable Doubt
In a court room where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick." Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Lawyer and the Plumber
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00." The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".
Lawyer and the Pope
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
Lawyer and the Governor
A lawyer called the Governor in the middle of the night and said, "Sir, I heard that judge Frump just passed away and I would like to take his place." The Governor sleepily replied; "Its fine with me, check with the undertaker."
Wishes Granted
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
Lawyer, Engineer, and God
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The Lawyer is not In
A lawyer was busy perusing through piles of documents in preparation of an upcoming trial, so he asked his new receptionist to keep out all visitors. He told her, "whatever they say, just tell them, 'that's what they all say'". That afternoon, a woman visitor insisted on seeing the lawyer and receptionist refused to let her in. The woman said, "but I'm his wife!" "That's what they all say."
Lawyers and Tigers
Two tigers were walking, single-file, through the jungle. The second moved up behind the first and suddenly licked the first one's ass. The first one, startled, turned around and said, "Hey!" They went a little farther, and the second tiger licked the first one's ass once more. This time, the first one was pissed and he hauled off and batted the second, saying, "Now, knock it off!" Well, they hadn't gone too far, when the second tiger couldn't resist any longer. He went up and gave the first tiger's ass a giant slurp. The first tiger spun around and decked him. "What's wrong with you?!" The other tiger said, "Really sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick falls off when you die.
Bus full of Lawyers
A couple is out taking a drive in the country when they come upon traffic backed up and have to stop. After a short time a state policeman walks up to the window and they ask him what the problem is up ahead. He says that a tour bus full of lawyers has been involved in an accident and the bus has caught fire. The couple then ask if there is anything they can do. The policeman says yes, others have already been mobilizing and they've collected thirty gallons of gasoline.
What is the difference between a doctor and a lawyer? A doctor rides in the ambulance. A lawyer rides outside, chasing it.
What is the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer.. you take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline
The trouble with lawyer jokes is lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Lawyers and Sharks
A man was on a cruise in the Bermuda Triangle. A storm appeared without warning and his ship went down. He was in a lifeboat and began rowing to save people in the water. Ahead he saw a man waiving - he recognized that it was his attorney. He stated: "We have to save him first, he saved my ass on my divorce". They began rowing towards the attorney as a pack of sharks began swimming there as well. They got there first and began circling the attorney and the circle got smaller and smaller. His friend stated: "Oh, no - they are going in for a feeding frenzy" as they closed in and threw the attorney up in the air. He landed - straddling two sharks on their backs and then they leisurely swam him to the lifeboat. The attorney stepped from their backs into the lifeboat. Everyone aboard the lifeboat couldn't believe what they just saw and asked: "What just happened?" The attorney replied: "Professional courtesy".
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.". The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!". St Peter said, "We go by billing hours". thanks to Jerry Friedman
What are the differences between a prostitute and a lawyer?
1. One will leave you with a smile on your face, and the other one leaves with your will.
2. One will give you a disease, and the other one is a disease.
3. One will love you and leave you, and the other one you wish would leave you alone.
4. One lets you lie back and enjoy it, and the other one bends you over and you don't enjoy it.
5. One tells you what they're going to do to you, and the other one won't admit it.
6. One you look forward to visiting, and the other one you wish you'd never met.
7. One is illegal and shouldn't be, and the other one is legal and shouldn't be.
8. One gives you what you paid for, and the other one you never stop paying.
9. One walks the streets openly, and the other one hides in an office.
10. One gets arrested for soliciting, and the other one is called a solicitor.
Lawyers in Heaven
There was a young couple, very much in love, who were tragically killed in an automobile accident the night before they were to be married. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by Saint Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took Saint Peter aside and said, "Saint Peter, my fiancé and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
Saint Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well, five years went by, and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple had been married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, and that they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Crossed the limit.. had more...
