Tech Jokes...

X

XTerminator

Skilled
Yo,
i was readin a few jokes and came across this and i couldnt stop laughing after i read it...:)
DOS user and a few Error Messages:
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere
Click to expand...
:rofl:
theres more...
Top Explanations by Programmers
  • Strange...
  • I've never heard about that.
  • It did work yesterday.
  • How is this possible?
  • The machine seems to have a malfunction.
  • Has the operating system been updated?
  • The user has made an error again.
  • There is something wrong in your data.
  • I have not touched that module!
  • You must have the wrong executable.
  • Oh, it's just a feature.
  • Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
  • It will be done in no time at all.
  • It's just some unlucky coincidense.
  • I can't test everything!
  • THIS can't do THAT.
  • Didn't I fix it already?
  • It's already there, but it has not been tested.
  • Somebody must have changed my code.
  • There must be a virus in the application software.
  • This time it will surely run.
  • I just found the last bug.
  • Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
  • According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Click to expand...
:rofl:
 
A Practical Joke...worth trying out...
100% success rate at a comp lab where, your teacher and fellow classmates/batchmates are not too familiar with comps.(Performed by one of my friends live :) ) .
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her Face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I saidleave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Click to expand...
 
hehe

well ofcourse you must be prepared for another yeart in college though. No way teacher is gonna give you more than an F after this :p
 
ok the age old girls=evil one :p
I know most of you seen this but for those who haven't ;) Now you know
girlsareevil4ga.jpg
 
Bill Gates.....The Smartest Man In The World?????

Read on to find out....
One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete and I should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, your holiness. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Click to expand...
 
Some Error Messages For Windows 2000

* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
* Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
* Close your eyes and press escape three times.
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
* Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
* This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
* To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
* BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
* COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
* CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
* Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
* User Error: Replace user.
* Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
* Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
* If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
* Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Click to expand...
 
New Microsoft Keyboard
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

* GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

* $$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

* ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

* MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

* FUD key - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

* Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

* IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

* MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

* RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

* FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
Click to expand...
 
another one...
Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once, and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Click to expand...
 
While shopping for a CD player, a customer was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had him puzzled, though, so he called over a salesperson and asked,

"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music."

"In other words this CD player plays CDs."

"Exactly."
 
Bill Gates Meets His Match

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

​

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

​

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

​

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

​

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

​

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

​

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

​

Bill: "Stacker?"

​

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

​

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

​

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

​

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

​

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

​

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

​

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

​

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

​

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

​

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

​

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

​

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

​

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

​

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

​

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

​

​
 
Computer Terminology:
Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your friends or coworkers start spouting reams and reams of technical jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! We'll help you get over your fear of technical terminology by tickling your funny bone. We'll start with some definitions that SHOULD be true, and we hope are entertaining.

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your State-of-the-art-computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced gooey) - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Click to expand...
 
Are U Interested In Making $$$$

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN MAKING $$$$ FAST? HERE'S AN INCREDIBLY SIMPLE WAY TO DO IT AND THERE IS NOTHING TO BUY, NO INVESTMENT TO MAKE, NO MONEY TO LOSE!

TRY IT NOW!

FOLLOW THIS SIMPLE PROCEDURE:

1. OPEN A NEW TEXT OR WORD DOCUMENT
2. HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT KEY.
3. HIT THE 4 KEY FOUR TIMES.
Click to expand...

:rofl:
the above one is good:)
 
I have a Microsoft waiter
Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
 
great ones there m8...
keep em coming..:rofl:
and i'm interested in making Rs. Rs. Rs. Rs. fast...
temme how to do it with 4 keystrokes :p
 
Yet Another Windows User:eek:hyeah:

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Tech Support: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."

Tech Support: "What program is it?"

Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."

Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"

Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."
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About two months ago, a client called in screaming profanities at me and demanding that I either give him a refund on his one year old system or send a technician out to repair it immediately. His problem was that the taskbar was on the right-hand side of his screen, and he couldn't get it back to the bottom.
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This ones the cream on the cake:eek:hyeah:

Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"

Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."

Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"

Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."

Woman 1: "Why?"

Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."
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Disclaimer: No offence meant to anyone. This is a joke and must be taken lightly. Any resemblance to anyone is coincidental.
 
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