Cant trust any Attorney
- Thread starter hmasalia
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hmasalia
Forerunner
This is the kind of learning power that lasts throughout your life. Talk about smoking mirrors??? enjoy......rc
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently
was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. she
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators....
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently
was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. she
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators....
Bluffmaster
Forerunner
^There was like one ass pic in the whole list:rofl: Serves u right for oogling at that very pic :rofl:
Bluffmaster
Forerunner
hammerhead
Discoverer
hmasalia
Forerunner
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy
marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further
and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water.
Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a
half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly
removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment we have lived happily ever after."
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy
marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further
and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water.
Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a
half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly
removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment we have lived happily ever after."
hmasalia
Forerunner
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice
within himself, trying to reassure him: "Dave, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Let it go...... "
But invariably the other voice inside his head would
bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a veterinarian."
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice
within himself, trying to reassure him: "Dave, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Let it go...... "
But invariably the other voice inside his head would
bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a veterinarian."
hmasalia
Forerunner
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> MONDAY: Started my day at
> 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
>
> Woo Hoo!!!!!
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
>
> Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
> TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>
> FRIDAY: I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>
> SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
> SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b**ch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> MONDAY: Started my day at
> 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
>
> Woo Hoo!!!!!
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
>
> Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
> TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>
> FRIDAY: I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>
> SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
> SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b**ch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
hmasalia
Forerunner
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my
property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Nebraska and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Husker Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, First I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on Back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed Work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." [I love this part.....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the damn duck!!!!!
__________________
"We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we can always be free."
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my
property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Nebraska and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Husker Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, First I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on Back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed Work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." [I love this part.....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the damn duck!!!!!
__________________
"We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we can always be free."
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