Jokes Galore

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d@rK nEmEsIs

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Here in this tread I would be posting jokes daily for us techies to have some laugh:rofl:

Today's Joke

How to make a woman happy?

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him

2. Leave him in peace
 
Male and Female Items

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:

Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. Eyes

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying. Very Happy
 
LOGICAL JOKE..... An old classic!!

After having failed his exam in 'Logic and Law', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: 'Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?'

Professor: 'Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!'

Student: 'Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.

Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?'

Student: 'What is legal, but not logical,?

logical, but not legal,?

and neither logical, nor legal?'

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

After wards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed,

is neither legal, nor logical..'
 
Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature isn't just

how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts

about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May

and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to

smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house

had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,

then the women and finally the children -- last of all the babies. By then

the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the

saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood

underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs,

cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained

it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the

roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a

real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really

mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung

over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into

existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence

the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when

wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened

the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in

the entranceway, hence, a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always

hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the

pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat

the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and

then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had

been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas

porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When

visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a

sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off

a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content

caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and

death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or

so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood

with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from

stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite

some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold

got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers,

one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the

loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would

sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the

road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid

out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather

around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the

custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places

to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a

"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25

coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized

they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string

on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the

ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard

all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone

could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth. . . (who ever said that History was boring)?
 
the admins should just delete Funenclave. Obviously its not keeping the jokers out of TE :|
 
Hey if you have such a big problem then dont read the threads..even the title clearly said "Jokes Galore" so unless you cant read the first word i take it back..
 
^^Thats his viewpoint bro; he's every right to say that; :P

Its another thing that the title li'l bit of OT stuff like these're also welcome; :)
 
^ No offense mate but i do not see a reason for you to crap this thread. :) First you had a problem with the sandwich thread and now this , General Talk section was created for a reason , you know ;)

the admins should just delete Funenclave. Obviously its not keeping the jokers out of TE
Click to expand...

I am seriously offended by this post of yours. Such posts are not expected by a respected member like you. Disappointed :|
 
I'm only against these kind of threads went they aren't funny which I would be against no matter where it was but so far, this is good.
 
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'

Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'

Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'

Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'

Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'

Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'

Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'

Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'

Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'

Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'

Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'

Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'

Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'

Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'

Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?

Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
 
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men

eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of

us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
 
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