Ladies and gentlemen..

T

TheMask

Explorer
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

[/font]
 
You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
 
Two drunks were staggering home along a railway line. “This is the longest staircase I’ve ever climbed, moaned one.
“It certainly is,†slurred his body. “And the banister’s so low; my back’s killing me.â€
 
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said,

"Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer here it right here."

It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box."

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

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- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

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- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

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- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[/font]
 
There was a race between some lettuce, a tomato and a faucet.
How did it turn out? Well the lettuce won by a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to ketchup.
 
Six packets of mothballs, please,†said an old lady to the chemist.
“But I sold you six packets yesterday.â€
“I know, but my aim’s not very good and I keep missing them.â€
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". [/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]- From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

- "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)

- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

[/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?â€

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away.

Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.†[/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]There is one Very Serious Law Firm.

All staff comes to work at 6am and leaves around 11pm.

Suddenly, one guy started his day at 9am.

All the guys exchanged “looksâ€.

And he left at 6pm.

All the guys exchanged “looksâ€.

Next day is the same story.

And the day after is the same story.

Finally, they come to this rebel to explain the rules.

He listened, kept quiet for a while and said: â€Excuse me guys, I am on vacation…â€

[/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them." [/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." [/font]
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."[/font]
 
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
 
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,†said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.â€
“Uh-huh,†said the father, “that seems fair.â€
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sistr!â€
 
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver†and “cheese†together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.â€

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.â€

“Oh, how childish,†said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.â€

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?â€

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,†blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,†said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.â€

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?â€

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says..

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.â€[/font]
 
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?â€

“A box of Tampax,†he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?†said the doctor. “What would you do with that?â€

“Well,†said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.€
 
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