This is really sad...such a young soul...I sincerely hope Kyle is doing better now..these things just crush your hope and belief system completely.
I made a regret list thread here, but I didn't mention the biggest one there..as I couldn't. I feel like a criminal thinking about it.
Cheated on a girl ( a professor's daughter), a wonderful person, I've never met someone that innocent in a medical school.
Anyway I moved on, was married to my first wife ( a classmate actually)..was into clinical medicine back then in India. Someone told me years after that the professor's daughter tried to commit suicide years after I ditched her, but she survived.
But I was a different person back then, it didn't bother me one bit, as she survived..now after another couple of year the professor took a job in the private hospital (as DNB teacher after retirement from MES) I was working in. I could recognise him instantly on the elevator, but possibly he couldn't ( as my physical appearance changed a lot..mostly due to long hair, tattoos etc.) However I kept a distance from him all the time ( pure guilt)
Now right before quitting clinical practice, the same girl got admitted in the hospital with some GI problem ( later learned she developed a bad Crohn's disease) and it got serious and she was shifted to the ICU at around 2am where I had to visit everyday ( I was incharge of that critical unit)!!
Due to the timings my residents didn't inform me and she was admitted under a gastroenterologist. But as a routine I had to see each and every patient in the ICU and unknowingly I came straight in front of her bed during the morning rounds. I'm seeing her after 10 years and she has lost at least 20kg, pale yellow with jaundice, a Ryle's tube sticking out from one of the nostril, but those eyes...she didn't/ couldn't utter a single word, but something kept on playing in my head in a loop..you did this...you did this...I literally ran away from the CCU, gave some bullshit excuse of feeling feverish and locked myself in my tiny office/ chamber the entire day.
I didn't have the courage to go back home and see eye to eye to my daughter ( my mind thinking..look what you've done to someone's daughter...the addict part of my mind was telling me..look at you little poor thing..you were young too 10 years back..forget it and get high...I was only 5 years clean at that point)
Anyway I came back home eventually, didn't get out of my room for 2 days, mostly staring at the ceiling and begging and praying for forgiveness.
Finally went to the hospital on 3rd day, she was in a very critical state and her mom was there at the bedside ( she is also a doctor, gynaecologist)
She recognised me within seconds, requested me very politely to come back once after rounds.
Once I met her in my office, she just told me that she knows what's going on with me and why I didn't come for 2 days. She hold on to my wrists firmly and told me to help her daughter right away!! No accusations, no drama, nothing...just one doctor telling another to help her dying daughter immediately.
Which I did ( as the ICU incharge I had certain unwritten privileges) and that was the only right thing I did for that girl (she was 28). Before you all jump on me for this, let me assure you one thing, though considered illegal by our Constitution, Indian doctors are practicing this very humane thing for years and will keep on doing it.
Anyway, after all this, I couldn't handle that pressure of that job anymore. We had some money saved, so I could go back to academics, finally finished the MPH and PhD ( already had the MD in community medicine a year after MD in internal medicine..people still call me crazy for doing that) and drifted away from corporate hospitals and that toxic culture.
But deep inside I knew there's is going to be a huge price to pay and I was ready for it.
And it did come and go, but I survived ( the morphine/ vodka drama few posts back)..God somehow hates/ loves me in a peculiar way. He helps me everytime, but never allow me to meet Him once...he keeps on postponing our long due appointment.
That's all for now, hate me as a person as much as you want. I can not undone my past mistakes, can only ask for forgiveness and face the consequences like a man.
I wasn't fully honest with my ex wife, probably that's why she left for good ( she's doing exceptionally well in her profession, my daughter who I'm allowed to see anytime, but she doesnt, scored 98 percent in her 10th board exams back in India)..these are the small prices I'm paying everyday...
I've been completely honest and open to my present partner and she has been extremely supportive and understanding ( hope the feelings are mutual)
Sorry for this lengthy post..I may delete it entirely...
