The person who saved my life commited suicide yesterday.


red dragon

Justiceforall
Veteran
The man ( Sandy) was an addict himself and he was my sponsor and helped me with EVERYTHING to live a normal productive life without use of drugs. And I'm 15 years clean now.
He was 27 years clean and sober. I don't know what exactly was happening to him in last few months. We used to talk at least once a week till mid September, then he stopped picking up my calls and only replied in emails.
Received a call from India very early today ( it's not even 7 here) with the terrible news, and we are absolutely shattered. He was having some financial issues and under debt, he never told me about that..we were absolutely open to one another and we both knew our dirtiest secrets.
If he would have told me once, would have given him the last penny I have without thinking for a second.
I feel betrayed and shattered, I owe my life to this fantastic human being...even in death he kept his promise..didn't OD on H. Possibly swallowed some rat poison or something.
Lost both my parents years ago, he was my only true connection with India, now he's gone too. Life can be so cruel..and everything feels worthless now.
 

red dragon

Justiceforall
Veteran
When I came to Europe for the first time, my then wife went back to India with our daughter apparently on the Christmas break. She never came back and a lawyer sent some legal papers for divorce ( I still don't know what happened, what had I done..yet my ego prevented me from asking her..I signed everything and her super rich dad used his enormous political and money power to complete the legal formalities within a week or so)
I came to a new country with a happy family and after 4 months suddenly became all alone. Planned to end everything over an weekend with hundred Xanax tablets, 2 bottles of vodka and 30mg of injection morphine.
I don't know why the hell I called up Sandy in a drunken state and how did he manage to send a bunch of local NA people to my apartment within minutes.
But he didn't call me before doing this shit....now I am going through his last few emails for hundred times and he did drop some hints, which I missed.
Now how do I forgive myself...
 

JMak

Well-Known Member
Disciple
May he rest in peace
My condolences buddy.
The lockdown, the constant anxiety, loss of resources is doing all kinds of crap with people.
Seeing patients daily and can gauze the effect on their minds.
Stay strong
God bless
 

nRiTeCh

Well-Known Member
Veteran
RIP! I can understand the loss which feels very tragic..
I don't shy to admit or otherwise but I' myself suffering from mental stress and depression for more than decades...sometimes suicidal thoughts run through my mind and what not. It fells like I'm done and dusted with my life. But no guts to self-harm and looking at my family I instantly cool down...Cannot be selfish.
Life has been an introvert since yrs now and people in the name of friends are actually fake people for fake sympathy As when you need them they will throw excuses on your face or give lame reasons.
We all have gone through such tough times for a short while or longer period but nor we don't want to admit nor seek medications or help.

I can sincerely fell the pain of suiciders... Its easy to say book words like one who suicides is a loser & you get life only once so why waste it and crap shit but once you also fall or get trapped in the same tornado you will feel it..
 
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red dragon

Justiceforall
Veteran
I only know of one healthy thing to do while it really hurts from inside...intense physical work...vaccumed and scrubbed the entire house, cleaned my partner's closet ( mine has practically nothing to sort), ran for one hour with the dogs, my bones are aching, but this ****ing mind is still running at 100 miles an hour...
 

6pack

Well-Known Member
ex-Mod
Personally I feel governments should allow people to comit suicide in a phased manner. Like give the suicidal person an option of taking mental or financial help or take a cyanide tablet after he pre-pays for his cremation and death certificate. Lot of people are fed up of this meaningless rat race and want a legal way out. Making suicide illegal doesn't help anyone.
 

nRiTeCh

Well-Known Member
Veteran
Personally I feel governments should allow people to comit suicide in a phased manner. Like give the suicidal person an option of taking mental or financial help or take a cyanide tablet after he pre-pays for his cremation and death certificate. Lot of people are fed up of this meaningless rat race and want a legal way out. Making suicide illegal doesn't help anyone.
I'm sure 25% population will prefer it overnight pleasingly..
 

red dragon

Justiceforall
Veteran
He became cautious and very disciplined person after quitting drugs ( we all recovering addicts are somewhat disciplined)
He was a PhD in psychology and was doing really good...I don't know how many addicts like me were saved by him. He was one of the oldest and founding members of Narcotics Anonymous in Kolkata/India.
Few investments possibly went wrong for him..I actually don't know much about his financial situation. For years, he just kept on helping me absolutely unconditionally. I never thought he could have been under any mental/ emotional stress...still feels like a bad dream or something.
Anyone feeling down/ depressed/ suicidal please seek help..please...
If you don't have anyone to share your feelings with, please PM me, I know people in India who WILL help you for free.
Being depressed in nothing to be ashamed of, I'm extremely depressed now...and not ashamed of it. My life matters, so is yours...please...please reach out...
 
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Julian

om nom nom
Veteran
For people suffering from depression, every day is more or less a struggle that you somehow get through. And then repeat the cycle. You have good days and bad ones. But sometimes there comes a day when it's just too much and you just can't take any more. We humans have decent survival instincts. That keeps us from taking the extreme step when things get too hard to bear. But the mind has it's limits. It may be 'psychological', as in, something meta in the mind/thought process, or just plain and simple chemical imbalances. But when that limit is exceeded it's way easier to just stop the pain instead of having to bear it.

The stigma is very great in India, still. People don't like to talk about mental disorders, leave alone admit they are suffering. But in the end, even with help, every person has to go through his own shit. No one can really help.
 

red dragon

Justiceforall
Veteran
But in the end, even with help, every person has to go through his own shit. No one can really help.
True, but once you discuss your issues freely and openly with someone, the daily battles get easier.
And I strongly believe in a loving God, not a punishing one. He won't give you a task that you can't do.
But communicating with the almighty is not possible for us, so we confess our wrongdoings/ hurts/sins to another human being and trust me, He forgives everything!
Extremely clichéd and cringy line, but it has worked in my life. But without the faith I won't last a single day.
Due to my ego and foolishness some lost their lives in Corona, it completely destroyed me, beyond repair. Shrinks couldn't help. I didn't sleep for a second in weeks if not a month or more. But prayers, asking for forgiveness eventually helped. The day I was truly sincere with my prayers, the load was lifted off my shoulders.
During the darkest days of my addiction Sandy prayed for me ( as I was too sick to seek help)
Now I'm praying for him, I will just work harder and keep on praying.
No matter how funny an idiotic it sounds, it's my coping mechanism. This is what has worked for me in past and I've had enough tragedies/ drama in life to write a book.
 

mach9

Das Layzeemeister
Adept
Depression is a dark place. Nobody on the outside can truly tell what's going on in a person's mind. Try not to get too affected by it. May he find peace now.
 

red dragon

Justiceforall
Veteran
I'm not really depressed now. It's something different.. possibly grief...and regrets..loads of it.
If he told me just once clearly about his debts, we could have taken care of it in minutes, right from this damn phone..just 40 lakhs INR...not a small amount, but could have been easily taken care of. Even my wife would happily contribute.
We will be taking care of it by today afternoon...his wife ( a very simple and humble housewife who knew nothing about the financial situation) and son ( just finished business school) are still in shock.
Lenka's father is a businessman and promised to help with the transactions through someone @ Bombay.
I'm very very angry with myself for not going through his last few emails more carefully. He dropped few hints, and like an idiot I missed those.
I will try my best to convince them to come here and live in our house. Trying to use all my contacts here to get a job for his son here.
I'm really blessed to have such an wonderful, understanding wife, who's also trying to help me in every possible way imaginable.
Even my father in law will be happy to employ the son in his business till he gets another job.
It's a rather lengthy and tedious process, considering the international travel situation.
I will probably go to India for few days to convince them.
As members of doctors without borders we can travel to certain countries without many paperwork. But India is not in that list of countries. Must figure out something....going to London and from there to India is an option.
Is India still putting foreigners in quarantine even with a negative report?
 

Rockfella

WFH blues...
Section Mod
I'm not really depressed now. It's something different.. possibly grief...and regrets..loads of it.
If he told me just once clearly about his debts, we could have taken care of it in minutes, right from this damn phone..just 40 lakhs INR...not a small amount, but could have been easily taken care of. Even my wife would happily contribute.
We will be taking care of it by today afternoon...his wife ( a very simple and humble housewife who knew nothing about the financial situation) and son ( just finished business school) are still in shock.
Lenka's father is a businessman and promised to help with the transactions through someone @ Bombay.
I'm very very angry with myself for not going through his last few emails more carefully. He dropped few hints, and like an idiot I missed those.
I will try my best to convince them to come here and live in our house. Trying to use all my contacts here to get a job for his son here.
I'm really blessed to have such an wonderful, understanding wife, who's also trying to help me in every possible way imaginable.
Even my father in law will be happy to employ the son in his business till he gets another job.
It's a rather lengthy and tedious process, considering the international travel situation.
I will probably go to India for few days to convince them.
As members of doctors without borders we can travel to certain countries without many paperwork. But India is not in that list of countries. Must figure out something....going to London and from there to India is an option.
Is India still putting foreigners in quarantine even with a negative report?
How were you supposed to know what was going in his head ?!
 

sanjeevram

Up! Up! Up!
Adept
I only know of one healthy thing to do while it really hurts from inside...intense physical work...vaccumed and scrubbed the entire house, cleaned my partner's closet ( mine has practically nothing to sort), ran for one hour with the dogs, my bones are aching, but this ****ing mind is still running at 100 miles an hour...
Exactly what i do !!
Keep chugging along mate, Chalti ka naam Zindagi.
 

Julian

om nom nom
Veteran
How were you supposed to know what was going in his head ?!
@red dragon This. You can keep dissecting your actions and inaction till eternity but it won't help anything really.

What you're doing right now is perfect though. Do what you can to help those who are still living. Forget 40, even 10 lakhs is a huge amount for someone stuck in debt and with no way of making that back someone could easily contemplate ending it all as the easier solution. This is life and this is the world today. We try to find and make happiness in our little lives but in the end almost everything boils down to money.
 

iPwnz

Brutally Honest
Veteran
Sorry for your loss.
The lockdown is also worsening the depression of many people. This can be really evident if you know someone with a depressed state of mind. Advising them to go for counseling doesn't always work since many just refused right away.
 

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